My wife and I were leaving the mall last night when we came across a sign promoting "Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2," which, if this plot summary on Wikipedia is true, may be just about the most-convoluted story I've ever seen.
But I'm still a little worried about our man Blart, because malls aren't what they used to be. You hardly ever hear of any new ones, and while plenty of them are plugging along, others are struggling to stay relevant.
So that got me to thinking, "What kinds of things could Paul Blart do if the mall security thing didn't work out, and how can they be turned into movies?" After all, Kevin James seems like a decent fellow, and why not let him have his own meal ticket?
I came up with a few ideas.
"Paul Blart: Strip Mall Cop" -- This one's the most obvious, since the strip mall has basically replaced the mall in a lot of places. And after all, someone has to keep order at Michaels, right?
"Paul Blart: Mixed-Use Development Cop" -- When business is slow, he can ride his Segway to where the housing was supposed to be built, but never was. Or, if he's at the development near where I live, once he makes sure all the kids are safely home, he can gaze upon the business that never showed up, at least until he runs out of space on the road that never got finished.
"Paul Blart: Campus Security" -- If the college is anything like where I went to grad school, that Segway will come in handy for seemingly doing nothing but handing out parking tickets all day.
"Paul Blart: Boston" -- The "Blart" franchise delves into the psychological thriller genre, as Paul has an interview for a new job in Boston after the mall closes, but is confronted by an potentially unbeatable foe ... bumper-to-bumper traffic for miles around with no apparent reason or end in sight.
"Paul Blart: Transit Police" -- In this sequel to "Paul Blart: Boston," the good news is that he got a job with the MBTA. The bad news is that he's in danger of being fired for not shepherding a train through seven feet of snow by himself, forcing him to find redemption.
"Paul Blart: London" -- After a half-hour of driving-on-the-wrong-side-of-the-road gags, the entire United Kingdom holds its breath as Blart tries to foil a plot to kidnap the beautiful princess and her Manchester United and English team star husband known to his legions of fans as "Q," whose story dating back to his birth in United States to a rakish English father and glamorous American mother is known nearly as well as the princess'.
"Paul Blart: London 2" -- A Norwegian stalker is targeting an English actor of stage and screen, and Blart partners with an American superfan to foil her nefarious efforts. Featuring a cameo by Benedict Cumberbatch because ... Cumberbatch.
I was planning a Blart/"Ocean's 14" combo reboot, but "Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2" was set in Vegas and looks like a worse movie than "Ocean's 12" was. (Seriously, how could so many talented people make a sequel to a movie as good as "Ocean's 11" and screw it up that badly?)
However, my suggestions should be enough to make "Blart" the "Hunger Games" franchise for the food-court set. Now as long as we never see any photos of Kevin James wearing nothing but a snake, everything will be fine.
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